The End of an Era!

Updated: Sep 25, 2021

This is going to be the story of how I started and ended therapy in the same year. If you don't want to hear this short story turned long, then stop reading now and go read a book.

I started going back to therapy when I noticed that some of the things I SAID that I healed from, came back to bite me in the ass when I got into a relationship. I noticed that I still did not love myself enough to let another person love me. I noticed that I still looked for things wrong I looked in the mirror, didn't like to be touched in intimate ways unless I initiated it, and I was stuck in a space where I was still blaming my parents and past for things too far gone and things that didn't need to bleed into my adulthood and the healthy life I was trying to build for myself. *DEEP INHALE CAUSE THAT WAS A LOT ALREADY*

So, in February, when I realized I couldn't take a joke, quivered at a touch that was meant to make me smile, teared up at a comment about an acne scar...I realized I needed to go back to therapy. I needed help with some healing that I clearly was not able to do by myself, and that was okay.

I thought that I was going to unpack my mommy issues and find some superficial reasons as to why I still didn't like myself and ways to figure that out. I know a lot, as I've studies the brain and been to therapy and have been on this healing journey for a long time. The first 3 sessions I had with my new therapist, I was able to tell her about myself and even tell her things she wanted to hear, to make it seem like there was nothing wrong with me, but that I just had some minor fine tuning to do. I also told my therapist in our first session that I needed to be pushed and not to let me lie to her. She let me ramble for about 5 sessions before she really kicked my ass.

Turns out, it wasn't the "mommy issues" that I had to deal with. I used that as a crutch and a reason for my piss poor behavior at times (so of course I stopped doing it that). What really happened was that I has not healed from the IDEA that my boyfriend in high school tried to kill me, in his house, and the adults around me that should have protected me...didn't. I say the idea because, physically the wounds have long healed and scarred. I pushed it out of my mind in the name of healing, so that I didn't have to think about it or didn't have a physical reaction to the thought. However, this IDEA reared its ugly head in many other ways. Through not wanting to be touched. Through feeling like there is something wrong with me. Through feeling like my body is a tool and not a temple. Through feeling like I always have to find something wrong with myself or a situation. Through feeling like I have to conform or change to keep someone happy. I pushed it out of my mind, and let my parents take the fall for why I was the way I was. Granted, they had something to do with it, but not everything.

So the most beneficial part of my therapy sessions from February to September was the fact that I was made to relive this horrific moment. She asked me to walk through the entire story, fro start to finish. She asked me to remember what I saw, what I heard and how I felt each step of the way. When we got to the part where he stabbed me, she asked me to touch those scars on my leg, my stomach, and my arm. She asked me to feel everything I was too scared to feel 13 years ago. She allowed me to be angry at the people that should have protected my teenage self. She allowed me to be angry at the adults that asked me "why" I let it happen, instead of asking if I was okay. She allowed me to feel sadness and fear, instead of numbness. And so, 13 years of hiding, I was finally seen.

And in the month that has followed that session. My body has gone from survival mode and push everyone away, to loving and patient and light. There's a healthy vulnerability that comes with dropping the emotions off along with the IDEA. There's a self love that oozes into your skins and to your veins the moment you forgive. There's a level of peace that comes with knowing you don't to carry a story with you into your future, or rather, that you don't have to fight against that story every step of the way.

I'm here and I'm okay. And for the first time in a long time, that's good enough FOR ME.

Growth, Positivity, & all the things (healing),