I Found Jaymee: Part III

DISCLAIMER: My blogs WILL have typos. Once I write about an experience, I leave it where it is. I don’t want to look back at them or relive them, so once I write, I don’t proofread. Sorry, not sorry. Either way, take what you need and leave what you don’t.

This will be a three part post, a beginning, middle , and an end (THIS POST). I started this blog, Finding Jaymee, as a platform to express myself, my woes and growth throughout my journey, and to promote growth and self care in those that read my posts. There is a lot of healing that has taken place within this platform, and outside of this platform.So, let’s jump right (back) in.

AND WE’RE BACK FOR THE FINALE! Okay, not really the finale, but I wanted to be extra. But seriously, this is the last post in this I Found Jaymee series. I will still be blogging, but my trajectory and my mission for myself and this blog has changed drastically. So, let me get into it…

After this post, I do not plan on going backwards and rehashing the past. I have dealt with so much of that baggage and dropped it off where it needed to be dropped off. That’s done. And when things come up in the future, whether a trigger I didn’t know about, or something I need to unlearn, it will be handled more so in the moment, instead of being dragged or attached to a past event or situation. I am going to do my best to leave the past where the hell it belongs, right behind me, kissin’ my ass. However, in order to close out this series, I must tell you one final story; A Story about purpose. Or rather, my previous struggle with purpose.

Purpose is something that has always boggled my mind. Like, what the hell is my purpose? Am I supposed to have a purpose at this point in life? If I don’t have a purpose, then am I wasting my life? Like…..WTF. I first heard the word purpose (as it pertains to life) when I was in high school. “Jaymee, what do you want your purpose to be? What mark do you want to leave in this world?” Being asked this question, as an over thinker, caused my mind to spiral and obsess over needing to have a purpose. Officially, at that time, it was as if nothing I was doing matter because it wasn’t making an impact…so I thought. Social Media, as this point, was kicking off, and everything that everyone was doing seemed so grandiose. I started to compare and fantasize.

Anyways, everything I seemed to be doing wasn’t leaving any sort of mark or impact. Even though I was doing “cool” things, it didn’t seem like they mattered. I thought that I had to do something BIG to make an impact and leave a mark on this world. I thought that I needed to be known. I needed to be famous or on tv or have a couple thousand followers or be the life of the party. I thought that I was supposed to be a specific type of person, date a specific type of person. I wanted people to like me, I wanted guys to like me, and I wanted other girls to want to be me. It was driving me insane. Everything I did felt like it was for show; for recognition. Traveling, basketball, writing, speaking, etc. While, I love all these things, I had definitely started to lose love for them and only showcase instead of enjoy it. It felt as though I had to perform or put out product for other people. The more other people saw it or “liked” it, the more value and purpose I had.

Although I spent many years of my seemingly short life thinking that purpose was external validation, something in me, at 27 years old, clicked. I have figure out what my purpose is. I have figured out what makes me happy and the mark I want to leave on this world (I’ve also become aware of the mark I have already left). Are you ready for what is it?…