I Found Jaymee: Part II

DISCLAIMER: My blogs WILL have typos. Once I write about an experience, I leave it where it is. I don’t want to look back at them or relive them, so once I write, I don’t proofread. Sorry, not sorry. Either way, take what you need and leave what you don’t.

This will be a three part post, a beginning, middle (this post), and end. I started this blog, Finding Jaymee, as a platform to express myself, my woes and growth throughout my journey, and to promote growth and self care in those that read my posts. There is a lot of healing that has taken place within this platform, and outside of this platform.So, let’s jump right (back) in.

Part 2: The middle (the struggle)

As I mentioned before, in part 1, I had been doing and experiencing things that were weighing me down, sitting on me, preventing me from really progressing and doing what needed to be done for myself. Not to say that these things or people were bad, but they were not good for me or aiding me in the ways that I now needed. They had been good for a short time, but as they lingered, things became bitter, stagnant.

I went back and forth with myself, especially when it came to people. I would give ultimatums or set boundaries that I didn’t uphold. Then I would find myself back in the very situation that made me set those boundaries (in anger or sadness) before. I felt like I was in a revolving door, watching myself experience the same things over and over. I mean, it makes sense right? You do the same things, you get the same results? Duh Jaymee. But at the time, the healing that I started to do was hard. Looking at yourself and acknowledging your flaws and baggage is HARD; like seriously that shit really sucks at first. So I wasn’t upholding boundaries with some of the people in my life because having someone around, in hindsight, to project on or distract me, was better than going through the healing and transformation process alone.



I also let myself think that because I was healing and transforming (or at least trying to), that the people around me would follow and do the same. Like, yasss we can do this together, follow meeeeeee! Looking back, I was definitely pressing the issue, almost bullying people to start their healing process and get on with it so we could flourish and be on the same page. Nope, wrong, sikeeeeeee. I learned the hard way that people do not move how I move. Nothing against them, but some people either do not want to start that process, do not have the tools to start that process, or are in a different stage of the process. I learned that you cannot force an individual to do anything, period, especially when that something requires deep reflection and looking inward. Can’t force our parents to accept our changes; can’t force our friends to break generational traumas and patterns; can’t force our partners to progress and break bad habits; can’t for our parents to see the value in healing. We CANNOT force the issue. And this is what 2020 taught me, as it came crashing in like a neglected leaky roof (this happened in my old apartment in June, so the reference is VALID AF).


2020 was the year of boundaries for growth, for healing, and mostly for my damn self. If you remember reading my post about Peru, I’d come home from an amazing trip, and upon landing I felt so unsettled, unfulfilled about where I was in life and the things I was accepting. Not to take away from a good trip, but man, the energy that was waiting for me was not cute. But, I ignored it some more, still tried to force people into healing and love and acceptance (again, that was a hard no no!). I was not listening to myself, my intuition, my emotions. At least, not at first. But then, the chaos started, or intensified really.

Kobe.


Pop Smoke.


Ahmaud.