I Found Jaymee: Part I

This will be a three part post, a beginning, middle, and end. I started this blog, Finding Jaymee, as a platform to express myself, my woes and growth throughout my journey, and to promote growth and self care in those that read my posts. There is a lot of healing that has taken place within this platform, and outside of this platform.So, let’s jump right in.

Part 1: The Beginning

As many of you used to know, I started cutting my wrists at the age of 12. But this is not what that post is going to be able, thank goodness. At the age of 26, a year and a half ago as of August 11th, 2020, I made the decision to continue my life and not do anything to harm myself ever again. I’d made the decision to start loving myself. Between the scars, the pain, the bouts of depression, night terrors, and severe anxiety, I’d had enough. I wanted to heal. So I started the journey.

When I tell you, I HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO START! I knew that I wanted to change, but I was not sure how. I’d already been in therapy for the better part of two years. While therapy was very impactful and I am forever grateful to her, taking my own actions and using the skills that she’d taught me was a whole different animal. But it was the actions that I had to take in order to better myself and be on this journey or positivity and growth. So, I started small, I think. I just started!

First, I decided that I wasn’t going to let anything hold me back from doing what I wanted to do. I had had knee surgery in 2018 (about 6 months before I started my journey) and had to cancel a world trip I’d planned and paid for. So the the summer of 2019, after I had healed and come back better than ever, I went to most of the destinations that I had planned to go to the year before: Morocco, Mexico, Australia (Peru and Japan later in the year). I’d built a better bond with my mom (she played a huge role as well, but we not talking about her right now…LOVE YOU MOMMY). I’d move to China. And while that was a terrible experience from start to finish (all 3 weeks), it says a lot that I was able to up and move and had the confidence to venture off into a new journey. That actually kick started the real growth.

When I was in China, I almost went backwards. The suicidal thoughts came back. I was miserable. But you can read that HERE if you so choose because I am not wasting precious blog time going back down that road. But, upon returning from China, I adopted the mantra “nothing is every that bad” and “Positivity, growth, and all the things”. I had survived something traumatic. Rather, I had survived yet ANOTHER trauma. When I came back, I was so happy, I could kiss the ground. I came back to a great job, much better than before. I came back to friends and family and hugs and laughter. And the gears started MOVING. I knew what I needed to do to be happy. I was working toward the happiness. Something was brewing, I just couldn’t put my finger on it at the time.

I had faith that things would work out because I was going to put in the work. More about that in part 2.

I was in a situationship that I had no business being in, but there was a comfort that I was still clinging to. But even that was something that was being worked out subconsciously. I knew that I wanted to continue my teaching profession, but I wasn’t happy in my subject area (I didn’t feel right, as a woke-ish black women, teaching these kids this fake ass US History…NOPE!). I had mental baggage that I had been carrying, that had grown so comfortable, I didn’t even realize how heavy it was becoming ( I had gotten used to thinking I was fat, ugly, not good enough to have a partner, not this and not that. Or on the other hand, too much this and too much that). Now, the thing is, I was actually happier than I had even been at the time because I had survived so many things and life was going well. The things that I mentioned above were things that were lingering; things that were sitting on me, preventing me from moving to the state of being that I will discuss in part 2 and part 3.

Speaking of part 2 and 3, let me save some information for the next post. In part 2, I will start with he beginnings of 2020, my “break up” and some other juicy things that I don’t want to give away (insert smiling purple devil face emoji).