Are you Hyper Independent? Then this is for you.

Disclaimer: If you are not ready to be read, told about yourself, or called on your trauma responses, then you might not want to read this. If you are ready, then continue on.


So, this past weekend I was talking to a good friend of mine. She was telling me about a date she went on, and the man said that she was a bit controlling and was unable to "be led". Like myself, she had been told this before.


Now, the first I thought was "oh well, maybe he wasn't used to relinquishing his control or was intimidated by a dominate female". However, 'I've been told this before' comment from my friend, and looking at my own controlling nature, I quickly re-thought before I spoke.


Moral of the story is, we are (or in my case, have been) Hyper Independent. If, you have gotten this far, bare me with. I am going to explain exactly what I mean.


It is one thing to be okay with doing things alone and not feeling like you have to rely on someone else. Thats being independent and that IS NOT A BAD thing. Being comfortable in your own skin is wonderful and we should all aspire to get to that point with ourselves, if we are not already.


HOWEVER, being hyper-independent is a completely different thing. Feeling like you HAVE to do everything by yourself; feeling like you CAN'T rely on someone; feeling like you can't even ask for help or company or whatever it is that you need, so you carry whatever feeling/burden alone. That...right there... is a trauma response.


Hyper-independent people have been put in positions where they had to fend for themselves. Typically, this stems from childhood. Did you have to raise a sibling? Were your emotional needs not met when you were growing up? Did you feel like you were almost always waiting for someone to help you? Were you made to feel like you had to solve everyone's problems and never have time for your own?


If any of these questions apply to you, you may now be unable to relinquish your own control. In other words, you may have trust issues, thinking that your needs (emotionally or physically) will not be met by someone else. You may feel like vulnerability is a burden to someone else, so you become a bottle and hand things on your own. You may even, in some extreme cases, struggle to find anyone who can do for you what you believe you can do for yourself. This hyper-independence can create a wall where it becomes hard for you to let people in, friends or relationship.


SO WHAT DO I DO THEN JAYMEE? THE HELL!

You didn't think I was going to tell you about yourself and then leave you hangin' did you? Nahhhhh, I wouldn't do that to you, dear reader.


Here are a couple things that you can do:

  1. Pay attention to the type of people that are vulnerable with you. Then, try to be vulnerable with them, a little at a time.

  2. Ask someone for help with something small. If they do it, then start to let that person in more (like, its okay to ask for help, but I understand that you need to build that trust first).

  3. Therapy. Sometimes, you need to reparent that inner child so that you are stuck in the same cycle of having to do and be everything alone.

  4. Set boundaries. Sometimes you need to say NO to others, so that you are not continuing to always be and always do. Sometimes, you have to say NO to yourself (no, I am not going to bottle this feeling up. No, I am not going to decline help when I know I actual need it).

  5. Pull up to one of my coaching sessions (shameless plug).

The first way to overcoming something (i'm not saying fix, because you, my dear, are NOT broken) is to admit that it is an issue. If you have made it to the end, you've already done a great job.