A Better Me

I’m going to start by saying this: I don’t have a New Years resolution.

I didn’t have this big epiphany lastnight and decide I was going to reinvent myself and set a new goal.

and I did not fall asleep with a “new year, new me” mindset.

My realizations came in the last two months of 2021. I was sick, having anxiety attacks, unhappy, going up and down in weight, and self sabotaging. I hadn’t been that unhappy in years and I kept trying to suppress it. As we know, suppressing shit only makes it worse.

I truly don’t want to reinvent myself or be a new person. I want to continue on my journey of healing and growth. 2021 was bomb, but I definitely hit a lot of bumps in the road and had some set backs that I am not proud of.

I spent November and December feeling like I owed someone something. I was making decisions out of wanting to perceived as being right instead of wrong. I was being pulled out of my comfort zone, but I was clawing to keep myself in the exact cage that was giving me cabin fever. And, I blamed everyone and everything else for my pain, instead of taking accountability for my pleasure. I wallowed, for a long time, and it cost me memories and joy.

So, as the same Jaymee you know and love, I’m coming into 2022 with some clarity. I’m coming with a sense of selfishness. I’m coming with grease so this bullshit can slide right off my back while I keep it moving. I’m coming with more than just gratitude, but the understanding of WHY I’m grateful for the things and poeple I have (And not just shoveling out gratitude because it’s trending).

Ive told myself a false narrative that’s been hard to break, even through all this healing I have done. I’ve told myself that people won’t love me until I love myself. I’ve told myself that I have to go through hard shit alone. This breeds the notion that right now, as I am, I’m not worthy of love because I don’t feel a certain way about myself or because I haven’t done XYZ. However, I’m worthy of love from others and from myself at all stages of the journey, not just the stages that look the prettiest.

I’m understanding that God and the universe work on their own time, and if I’m not getting the damn point, they will MAKE me get the point. So, I need to start listening and not take everything personally. I’m here, right now, in a Covid isolation room in a foreign country because I didn’t listen. But now it’s loud and clear.

Life is too short, and for me, shit really doesnt need to be as serious as I make it. I don’t always have to have a sad story to make me relevant or to keep a conversation going. It’s okay to BE OKAY. And we don’t hear that enough. Be content, be okay, be quiet, take it all in.

2022 is personal for me.